Debating Politics or Religion: 5 reasons you shouldn’t bother.

Reason #1: No one’s listening.

Sure they say they’re listening–and they may quote specific language to strengthen their argument–but they’re not really listening, not in the ‘hey, let’s put our heads together and figure this thing out’ sense. Not a chance. No way. No how. (And here’s a little head’s up for those who can’t resist verbal conflict: If the ‘listener’ ever begins her/his retort with a compliment and a pooful smile, brace yourself to take the rhetorical equivalent of a forearm shiver to the chops, ’cause it’s on the way.)

Reason #2: Making someone feel small–so you can feel big–is way lame

There’s just something so Junior High about feeling the need to tit-for-tat. Look, you can intellectualize the process as much as you want, but it never amounts to more than a glorified pissing contest. Worse yet, if you actually manage to stump your opponent, here’s what to expect: she/he will get frustrated and emotional, you’ll feel like a jackass as you try to smooth things over, you’ll both end up saying things you’ll sincerely regret, and you’ll part with a creepy vibe between you. Way to go BIG guy!

Reason #3: Wasted time breeds wasted time.

If you somehow manage to get through all that pseudo-intellectual banter without hurt feelings, it probably means that neither side was very knowledgeable or convincing–>which means you’ll part ways feeling like you have unfinished business–>which means there’s a good chance you’re in for another session of rehashing the same uninformed points at the next opportunity. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for chillin’ out and doing absolutely nothing with friends, but hangin’ out and trying to one-up each other endlessy, talking about the same bologna over and again, well that’s just flat out retarded (and embarrassingly uninteresting).

Reason #4: No take backs.

As if things weren’t bad enough, you’ve now painted yourself into a corner. How so? Now there is no way you can ever change your mind on the debated topic without looking like a complete schmuck. Here’s an idea: learn the subtle art of not overcommitting and your little habit of setting yourself up for public embarrassment every time you open your mouth will disappear. Claiming your own view to be correct beyond a doubt is tantamount to declaring that you’ve closed your mind to all future considerations on the subject. Congratulations. That’s Grade AAA Dumb.

Reason #5: No goal = No winner.

If the debate process were widely recognized to have a clearly defined goal, even an open-ended one like ‘the pursuit of greater understanding through an exhaustive presentation of available facts,’ then I wouldn’t be writing this piece. As it stands, however, you could ask 5 people what debate means and get 5 very different answers. Even dictionaries give a series of confusing and incompatible definitions, so how can we expect people to be going in with a common purpose? I mean seriously, if it’s not about learning from one another then what’s the point? To humiliate someone? To make yourself look good? To bring someone ’round to your way of thinking?!! Wait wait wait. Now that’s some funny shit right there! Let me ask you a question: When was the last time you locked horns with someone who opposed your views on politics or religion and one of you left the conversation with a new set of beliefs. Here, I’ll help you: It starts with an ‘N’ and ends with an ‘EVERINYOURSORRYASSLIFEYOUSELFABSORBEDTWAT!’

Nonetheless, in the interest of academic pursuit, let’s assume that you’re sticking to your guns and claiming to possess that oh-so-rare ability to lead individuals along an enlightened path to conscientious thought (AKA: the way). I hope you’re still close enough to planet Earth to recognize that your clan of newly converted are of that same lost and vulnerable variety that cult leaders can sniff out in a crowded room. Think about it. Those who can access information and form conclusions on their own do not change their beliefs on the basis of one individual’s opinions. Period. So if you indeed happen to have a knack for striking up longwinded conversations with spineless ‘yes women/men’, keep ‘em close to you–or locked up– ’cause they’re sure to flip once again just as soon as they come across the next know-it-all, ‘change the world one person at a time,’ always-talkin-yappity-yap-and-never-gettin-a-damned-thing-done, waste of space.

Feeling ineffective yet, Mr. Semantic Wonder? Let me give you a little free advice: quit bangin’ your head against the wall and talk to someone who cares about what you have to say, like someone ready to learn from you. If no one wants to learn from you, please DON’T have children to rectify the situation. Do everyone a favor: go out, get a little smarter, and while you’re at it a little personal reflection would’t hurt. Once you’ve wised up enough to grasp the finer points of philosophical inquiry, you’ll truly be free, because you’ll have learned that hot-headed exchanges of opinion never yield knowledge.

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